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At last… I think I have decided….
Whats the big decision, is it a paint colour for my soon to be painted kitchen? No. Is it what I want for dinner tonight? No… its THE decision of the moment…. I don’t think I want to have any more babies….
I am sure that will leave a few of you open mouthed and a few of you smirking with recollection at the time when you were having similar thoughts to me. When is enough enough? Can you ever say… never again…. especially when it comes to beautiful amazing bundles of gorgeousness that are our children?
There are certain things that happen in life that seem to immediately cause people to do nothing but look to the future on your behalf just when you want to focus on the present. If like me, your life follows a fantastical but very ‘normal’ path (don’t get me wrong i wouldn’t change it!) You meet your man, eventually he pops the first big question in your life and you say ‘I do’. Just when you want to get on with becoming bridezilla and planning your wedding, people start asking you when you are getting married and where you are going to live together. When you are married, you may as well be still in your wedding dress when Aunties look at you and ask when and whether you are going to have kids.
For me as I reached the above stage and had Bea, within moments (just when I was coming up to breathe from my bemusing status of new mother) people looked at me and said “do you think you will have another?”
Why can’t people just wait to find out in good time?!
Its a huge decision to have one baby and once one has actually arrived, if you are like me, you feel so surprised that you could make one at all, so blessed for them to have arrived safely and petrified by the thought that they are yours to look after and take home!
As the ups and downs of the first year passed and life became slowly but surely a new kind of normal, my husband and I, who both have siblings, started to ponder adding another to our little brood. For us, we went for the ‘short, sharp, shock’ theory. Before our first baby got too old, add another to the mix and then hopefully in a few years time we will finally gain sleep and have two kids who can share a bit more in life as they are fairly close in age. I was quite keen on this last bit as there are 5 years between my sister and I and although we are best friends now, there were plenty of times when we were poles apart and lived quite different lives really. So, we took the plunge, tried to remain awake enough to remember how to make babies and two and a bit years later, my lovely Freya came along.
I thought I knew everything about babies having already had one but well, they really are all SO different! Freya didn’t play ball in so many ways that Bea had but was much easier and more contented little girl on the whole. What I wasn’t ready for though was the fact that I now had CHILDREN plural.
Life with one is busy, life with one is lovely, life with one can be hectic but I tell you something – if you are that way inclined and whenever you feel you can deal with it (emotionally, physically and financially!) Two really is fun!
To be honest, I really struggle with the sharing of me… there is always someone on my mind; always someone asking a question; always someone neeeeding me! Don’t get me wrong – I LOVE my job, I would not change where I am, who I am with in my life and how many kids I have for anything. I am lucky as the girls really do love each other. Bea never showed any jealousy of her baby sister and is very tolerant of her now very nosey and confident sister! Since Bea has started school, they love any spare moment they get to play together at home which is just so lovely. There really isn’t anything better than looking at my girls knowing that they will always have each other – even if they are arguing!
When the inevitable happened and more and more friends and family begun to speculate whether i would have a third baby; even on the most blissful happy days, I am just not sure I want to. Its a very strange thing, reflecting that i may never feel the joy of being pregnant is sad really. I may not smell the indescribable smell of my own newborn baby again, i may not also know that tiredness, that worry and those blurry first days of bringing our baby home.
I’m ok with that! I will never say never and to my husbands relief, I am not about to book him in to have any knots tied but I really think that I am happy with my lovely pair. I often find myself telling people how lucky I feel I am. I have danced with the devil twice and come out on top and really truly don’t think I want to risk that massive miracle of making a perfect baby all over again. I am also just not sure I want to spread myself any thinner in the parenting department. I have two hands to hold on to my two girls, I can most of the time multi task to keep them both entertained and there are two of us to be their parents which I love even more because it means that every now and then we can have lovely time with just one of them each! I always ask myself just what I did when I only had one baby now life is so busy with two and I completely admire the friends of mine who have gone the extra step and had their third or fourth children. I know that they wouldn’t ever change their families but I am pretty sure that I know now that I don’t want to change mine either.
Its kind of a lovely feeling. I feel like I can get on with growing the little family that I already have. There is so much more fun to come….. but no grandsons probably, sorry Dad!
Mum (of two) on the Rock
PS… what’s everyones favoured contraception apart from being so tired you can’t begin to contemplate making any more….!